I got taken off my antidepressant yesterday, and I was not put on another medication. The doctor wants me to have a proper psychiatric evaluation, because he said some of my symptoms (mostly the jerking awake at night) might be a mild form of mania, and we have bipolar disorder in the family, so... no risks, at least, but I don't think I'm bipolar.

Although from today, I could see how someone would think that! I went into work pretty happy, but very quickly I found that I'm doomed to work the opening night of Harry Potter, even though I'd been told I wouldn't have to (since I've already paid — admittedly not much, but still — to get friends in) and I got angry. Not very angry, but, you know, angry. About an hour later I felt like I could barely stand and like I might burst into tears at any moment. I worked for a while, but I had to ask to go home, even though it meant taking a taxi.

Uuugh.

I've been having some odd and interesting dreams, but I'll post about those later.

I want to be off this medication so badly. It is definitely making me more miserable — if not from the medicine itself, from the way I'm always tired and feel like I haven't slept at all. I dream, so I should be getting some rest, but I'm always tired as hell. It doesn't help that it takes me forever to fall asleep, and to make it worse I constantly wake up throughout the night now. Sometimes I jerk awake so suddenly I feel like something must be wrong, like I must have heard or felt something that means I need to be out of bed now, and I jump out only to realize that nothing's wrong at all. After all my restless shifting I usually wind up sleeping in some weird position that has me waking up with a sore arm or shoulder or whatever, making it take even longer to fall asleep the next time because I can't get comfortable. People have been saying that I sound like I don't want to talk or like I'm going to cry, but that's not it — I'm just so tired.

I will catch up on stuff, eventually. I'd just like to be able to do it while really and truly awake.

And I know most of my posts are about sleep and my medication now, but that's pretty much where my thoughts are like all the time.

As if I gave normal dreams ever! (All right, I do.)

( Cut for FREEDOM! )

My migraine medication is a goddamned miracle. It took a while to work (about three hours), but now my migraine is absolutely gone. No pressure, no reaction to triggers, no pain whatsoever — GONE.

EEE SO HAPPY.

I took a nap that lasted nearly three hours today (my medication is fucking me up), and dreamt in a few of the five-minute to half-hour times I slept. I only remember one, though.

I met with cleolinda, who looked quite a bit like Galadriel, surprise surprise. Long blond hair and very pretty. She told me she was taking me somewhere, and it turned out to be a meeting of Twilight fans. I didn't know if they were the kind of fans who could make fun of it and laugh but still liked it, or the kind of fans that hated anyone who didn't praise Edward's heavenly skin and tortured soul immediately, so I kept my trap shut. First we ate — chicken, bread, potatoes, some other meat — and the host (whose home we were at) apologized because it was only modeled after the second best meal in the book, but she couldn't get the makings to replicate the best meal in it. I just dug in, 'cause hey, chicken! And then came the time to read.

Many of the girls couldn't stay for that, but there were four or five people sitting in a circle then, passing around the textbook-sized novel. Each girl would read a sizable chunk out loud, then pass it on to the next person. When it came to be Cleo's turn, there was... apparently a song about Bella and Edward. She sang very well.

Still, I hated the books and was sure it would somehow come out when it came my turn to read, which was after her. She handed the book to me and I nervously laughed and said, "I'm glad that part wasn't mine, because my voice is awful!" Then I looked down at the pages.

It was the end of the chapter, on page nine, but there was a note saying "go to page 6" and a huge section of notes on the chapter. The next chapter started on page eleven, but I wasn't sure whether I should go back to page six for something, read the notes, or start the next chapter.

Then we had to go, I guess. Except then I was really angry and decided one of the girls there had been a total bitch, and Cleo was gone, so I started punching her and spit on her before leaving. Then I woke up.

There is something wrong with my brain, guys.

I am thinking of friendslocking my journal. A year ago I would have said something like, "No! I could never do that!" but now it seems... logical. I'm not sure! It all seems fruitless.

IN ANY CASE, last night I had a complex and winding dream that involved the Jonas Brothers. Well, I mean, they were there at the end.

( Slip inside a giant condom and drink orange beer. )

Guess who forgot about the Porn Battle? AND LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE?

ALSO, I do not think my meds are working and I am so damned tired lately.

In other news, I love Star Trek and Up. A lot. Dug = BEST ANIMATED DOG EVER.

Increasing feelings of hopelessness preside anyway! I don't know where my head is and most days I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep away the years.

I am going to continue to give these meds a chance, but I'm losing hope in them. I'm up to a full pill a day now and it's not any better yet. Maybe no pill will help! Maybe I'm unhelpable.

In actual news-ish-ness, the other day I went to see Up with Steph and Amber, and almost as soon as Dug came on screen my manager Rob came in and asked if I'd be willing to sit in Night at the Museum for a while and get paid for my trouble. The theater it was in was having sound issues, so every once in a while I'd have to jump out of the theater and go let the managers know it was messed up. I was assured I would be relieved eventually.

Someone else did come in to take over, but when I got into Up again the credits were rolling. SADNESS. But I'll be seeing it again this Monday with Jessi, so that's yay. And yesterday we saw Star Trek again and watched an episode of So NoTORIous and "Amok Time," and I bought the Demon's Lexicon (read the first few pages and wasn't pulled in, so I put it down and went to sleep).

The ability customers have to make everything ten times as complicated as it needs to be, by the way, is astounding.

Everyone who thinks Zachary Quinto needs to be on Yo Gabba Gabba, say "aye"!

AYE, MOTHERFUCKER.

I keep wanting to mention how much I love Up, because it has the best animated dog ever, but that has to be saved for another entry because SHIT HAPPENS.

Last night my parents had a party — TJ's mom and her boyfriend, the neighbors, and mom's friend Fred and his girlfriend Julie were all here, and everyone was drinking and laughing. Blah blah blah, it goes on, and at two everyone (except me) is asleep... mostly. Four o'clock in the morning I get up to go the bathroom and finally lie down, and we get a phone call. My first sleepy thought is, "What idiot's calling us at four in the morning?" and then my second thought is, "Is it Kevin? No, I'm pretty sure he's in his room..."

He wasn't in his room. He fell asleep at the wheel while trying to drive home from his girlfriend's house.

My parents were pissed and I spent like an hour crying in my room. He's okay, but still my only thought was that he could have died, and we've been getting along so well and my parents could only think to be angry. They're better now, but I was so angry at them last night, I wanted to say, "I hope when I die, your first reaction is to be angry that I could do something so stupid, too."

I mean, I thought "it is pretty stupid" at first, because he worked all day and knew he'd be tired, and he was letting the fact that he wanted to see his girlfriend get the better of him. But I don't know how her family feels about him staying over, and our parents were drunk and would have been upset to be woken up anyway, and apparently he slept for four hours before trying to drive. He tried to be smart about it. And still all they could do was be angry that he was costing them money.

Like I said, they're better now. Dad went to see the damage and it won't cost much, and I think the fact that the first question everyone on site had for him was "Is he okay?" might have made him realize that should be his first concern, too. Mom hasn't mentioned it, but when I woke up she was laughing with Fred and Julie, so whatever.

And then I guess my mom went out with Fred to meet his friends while I was at the neighbor's, and they took Bo with them... and forgot him. I could hear him barking, and I knew he wasn't outside, but he sounded like he was in the garage... if I hadn't come home then, I don't know how long he would've been in there. He was shaking and afraid when he got out, the poor boy. He seems to be okay, but it's a fucking hot summery day and he was in there alone for an hour and no one thought "Where's Bo?" I'm really glad I did come back.

Had my MRI this morning. It wasn't better than I thought it'd be, except after being told I shouldn't open my eyes my eyelids started feeling all twitchy-like. See, when I'm trying to sleep, unless I'm super-tired a lot of the time I do open my eyes. And I wasn't trying to sleep, but the idea that I hadn't seen the inside of the thing kind of made it worse and... yeah. But I held out. I didn't want to see how close it all was or the helmet-thing I was wearing anyway.

I also had trouble thinking of something to distract me. I thought of kittens playing in a field and Wicked, mostly. Also, I suck at figuring out time, 'cause it was broken up into four sections and the three-minute one seemed like the longest even though there was a four-minute one.

Gotta go to work soon. I will probably spend most of the three hours I'm there thinking about those goddamned Star Trek GQ motherfuckers.

Sometimes nedroidcomics is just super amazing.

Did I say sometimes? I meant all the time.

I mean, I think his own entries (and his and binsybaby's collaborations) are awesome, but I love when people get this kind of ultra-collaborative art thing going and it's a level of ridiculous that is out of this world.

I am no longer in massive amounts of pain, or constantly worrying about potentially being in massive amounts of pain appearing at any moment to make my life hell. Since yesterday I've occasionally felt pressure — in fact, there's a soft-pressure feel even now — but not any notable pain, and not pressure like someone's put my head in a clamp and is trying to squeeze out my brain.

In unrelated news, I'm super-conflicted about the whole closing-out-of-fanfic-thing, because I have realized it isn't going to be entirely easy. See, I posted a lot of shit to communities. Do I go and announce to those comms that I'm taking my shit down and seem like an egotistical bastard, or do I sneakily do it without a word and then leave people potentially angry at me for taking my toys without saying I was? And what about stuff I might've posted in other folks journals, in comments — it seems sort of dickish to just go, "Hey, yeah, I'm going to delete this even though it was kind of a gift to you. So sorry!" And what about the things where I left a part of the fic in a comment and then linked to my fic journal? If I don't delete the comment, there's an unfinished fic just lying there.

Uuugh why did I have to be such a dick about "getting it out there"?

So when I saw a link to this Star Trek 2009 genderbent actor list, I thought, "Pssht, it's probably going to be a list that won't work at all, 'cause for real, how could they?"

AND THEN I CLICKED AND OH GOD I WAS WRONG.

The only one I don't think works completely is the one for Chekov, but the others — dear sweet Jesus yes. I want this.

My brothers are idiots.

And doors.

I had a few blissful moments this morning after I initially woke up of absolutely no pain and no pressure. It was amazing. I nearly wanted to cry with happiness. Instead, I went back to sleep.

And then about half a dozen people decided it was a great idea to call us or come to the house in the same hour.

Nana and Mom only wanted to wish Kevin a happy birthday, but given that the repeated loud noises (the phone and the dogs barking in my ear) have lead to a full resurgence of the headache, I am less than inclined to care. Now I just want to cry from pain. Nothing is getting rid of this headache. I was almost free of it and now it's back. I hate this so much.

So today Jessi and I went to the mall with two intents: to see The Soloist, and to get gifts. (Well, that was less an intent and more a happy byproduct, though I did intend to look for a gift for my brother if we had time. We did. She also found a gift for her dad for Father's Day.) Unfortunately, as far as seeing The Soloist went? We failed. It was my fault; I apparently cannot use Google, or Google still lies (it happened before!) and Google was not, in fact, playing at that mall.

They did, however, have Star Trek in IMAX. I had forgotten that the mall even had an IMAX; it used to be that if you did a search for one in our area, they just said they didn't exist. It was a strange experience! Also, the Wolf (local radio personality) introduced the film (or, rather, a recording of his voice did), which was weird.

And apparently when I said "Tell me what you want right now or I will slap you when I get home" in Starbucks I did not say it quietly. But it got results! I now have a present for my brother's birthday.

I have recently been plagued by two things: a terrible, terrible headache that may be a migraine (now lasting more than fifty hours, with brief periods of respite in which it slithers to the back of my mind and lessens to a mere pressured feeling and one three-hour period in which it left me completely) and one of the dumbest ideas ever — that is, the idea of a rainbow of superheroes. By which I mean there would be six heroes, and each would be, in turn, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Unsurprisingly this was brought on in part by Wicked, but when I thought about it I realized I already had a purple hero-like character, a blue one, and a red one. (Actually there were two purple, but that's beside the point.) It wasn't a stretch to come up with the yellow/gold character (I already had the idea for a crazy witch who animated dolls she made herself, including a rotten egg-doll made entirely of food and a scarecrow-like doll, so it just went the next step to her creating a doll out of gold, straw, and silk that looked like a real girl). The orange one was hard, until I remembered how orange Zac Efron has occasionally looked with fake tanner. DING DING DING WINNER. So, yeah, the idea is shit, but I already love it. Why do I fall in love with only the shittiest of my own ideas?

I have also regained my interested in the Princess Charming story thing, but now it seems to want to be Princess Charming AND THE DEMON BEASTS OF LORE. This is entirely because, in my search for more books on myths and folklore, I picked up a little book on mythical creatures. I keep going, "Ooh, this one is neat! I should include it! Vegetable Lamb, how awesome!"

And that's how interesting my life's been of late. Blame me not, for it is the headache's fault, I swear. :[

Well, half of it.

Every time I hear someone say there's been a victory for gay rights, I want to cry because it seems like every time someone does, there are ten more vocal homophobes.

Also, I hate YouTube. Intensely.

This is the post for silly name-smushing for Star Trek, merely for the purpose of being contrary.

I've never been a huge fan of namesmushes, but people get so damned worked up that it's fun now. I'm branching out! I'm moving beyond the few I used! I still like 'em better if the letters align (Clark + Lex = Clex, for example) but Kock and Spork are pretty awesome anyway.

Give me your most ridiculous namesmushes for pairings, even outside ST!

Also:

McUhusporkovlutty!

If the plant world ever rebels (I am thinking in less of a The Happening way and more of a Day of the Triffids way) my parents are fucked. I honestly do not know how they manage to keep all the plants they have. Our hoses don't reach far enough to water very much at all, and to take a watering can to all of them would take hours.

We don't even have that much land!

In other news, both dogs have puked since my parents have gone. :[ They seem fine after, but I feel bad for them. (And myself, after having to clean up most of Benny's. Eeew.)

Benny got on the futon and slept next to me for a while, with his head on my stomach. He got down when I got up, though (to get two eyelashes out of my eye, what the hell) and I told him not to get back up. He's cute, but he takes up so much space when he sleeps next to you.

Sherlock Holmes trailer!

Thoughts:

Rachel McAdams is looking hot. So is RDJ, but that's a given.

I did not realize this was going to include the first partnership of Holmes and Watson! Excellent — all the better for slashing them, my dear.

I like that the trailer makes it appear as though the appropriate response to being told the world is going to end is to grab a pipe, stick it in your mouth, and jump out a (closed) window from several floors up into a rushing river.

Shirtless Robert! Lots of shirtless Robert! NAKED ROBERT OH GOD. Be still my heart!

HAMMER OH MY GOD. I find this far too funny.

I am bobbing up and down like an overexcited monkey! How will I ever sleep now?

Benson has become the clingiest dog ever. He is now with me nearly twenty-four hours a day, unless I leave the house. I've been sleeping in the den downstairs because otherwise he's stuffed into my room (and also it helps that we're right there by the door when he needs to pee at five in the morning). He started crying at me when I went to the bathroom the other day. He didn't eat until I stood around in the kitchen and waited for him to.

In other news: ( Cut for random quiz-type stuff. )

Kind of!

Jessi and I decided that Zachary Quinto and Summer Glau (okay, I was the one who voted yes on Summer) should start in an action-comedy wherein the two of them kick ass ballet-style. Kevin Jonas should star as Zachary's similarly-dressed boyfriend, while Bill Hader should be the evil overlord and Kristen Wiig should play his awkward wife.

Night before last I dreamt about school, wherein my TA from Intro to Sociology was teaching full-time. The class was some combination of computer science and sociology, I think. Apparently I was a shape-shifter and had taken to showing up to class as different people every now and then, so on the last day of class the assignment we had to bring in was to give a short review of two classmates, and I was on the bus to class. I'd already done it, but of course, since it was short and simple, others had put it off... and I realized that they had written about me, both times. Not about me as myself, but me as people I'd pretended to be. I had to restrain myself from correcting them on spelling, since "Lady Desmona" only showed up to one class and it didn't seem reasonable that I'd remember her name wasn't "Lady Demon" even if I was a demi-god named Faith (after Harmony in KKBB, I think) who really shouldn't have been able to fit on a bus.

Last night I had a dream that involved more stairs, hair-washing, Eddie Izzard, an older lady lecturing on feminism just for the heck of it, and purchasing young island girls as wives even though they already have boyfriends. I don't remember enough of it for it to be coherent, though.

I've got to admit: Joss-haters get on my nerves. But how much better am I, with my... well, extreme dislike of Stephenie Meyer and all her work? I have no moral high ground, but I really do think that the idea of being able to put new personalities into people's bodies deserves a few points over the idea of sparkling vampires that do nothing except be obsessively "in love." Come on! It's not like the Dollhouse fanbase is big and vocal and telling everyone who doesn't like the show that they're "just jealous" and shit like that, or that anyone's said Victor's "Mrs. Lonelyhearts" imprint is the perfect man and everyone should think so, or anything annoying like that.

But I guess I'd still be a hypocrite to ask why people hate it so actively, huh? :/ (Although I'm sure plenty of folks would just love to provide answers.)

The parents are gone now — on their way to Cancun for the wedding. I hope they don't argue. :\